Motherhood

Today, I had a conversation with my 87 year old grandmother. My grandfather is 92 and is getting hard for her to care for. My Dad suggested that maybe they do a retirement center where she could get some help and a break. She was so worried about expense. It basically came down to the fact that, she wanted to be able to leave her children something -- essentially to be able to continue to take care of them after she was gone. I thought it was crazy how one day you're selfish and the next a baby comes into your life and you live your entire life thinking about how in the long run you are going to take care of another human being, in every aspect -- and evidently, it never goes away. It's such an extraordinary kind of love. While mothers get frustrated and don't necessary always "like" children, their love is at times unconditional to a fault. Did God inherently make women this way or is it the sacrifices that make them love so much?

I think about my little Launa. Mark has at times referred to her as a little pit viper. She was a hard baby (and a hard toddler, and a hard little girl:), but... I have such a deep love for her. When she was born, I wondered what I had gotten myself into, but felt I loved her so much and she needed me so much, I almost couldn't part with her. She literally slept in my arm pit for the first 7 months of her life. Throughout the days, in between me growling and scolding, I still have moments of deep love, in which I can look at her and even though I know she's not perfect, she seems... perfect. It's like looking through rose colored glasses for a small moment of time and experiencing joy. After the 30 seconds, she probably does something to make me crazy and then I come back to reality, so I am always grateful for those moments :)

My highlights in the morning are getting Kate out of bed. She screams "Mommy!!" and hugs me like the night was so long she missed me terribly and for five minutes (after that craziness ensues) she lets me kiss her little cheeks and play with her hair as much as I want while we snuggle. Every time she learns a new word or I see her jibber jabbering as she reads her own book, I feel overcome with love and gratitude that she gets to be mine. I love seeing her walk on her tippy toes with her little curls bouncing in the back, and I LOVE her pouty face.

I am now expecting baby #3 (ETA January 29th). I admit, in the beginning I was not overcome with joy at the idea of added insanity but as time goes on, I wonder what I will love about this new baby,what will he/she be like, what will they what they will add to our family dynamic, and I know I will be amazed at how my heart expands to have such love for another individual.

To explain to someone who doesn't want kids why you want kids is hard. The hours are un-ending, your sanity is tested, your body goes downhill, you have less time for the things you personally like and it certainly is not boundless joy and smiles while you make cupcakes all day, but... motherhood is motherhood. I can't find words to explain what it's like in small moments when you see your children through rose colored glasses and you know that all the craziness is worth it. You are content to live your life forever worrying about the well-being of another person because you just love them that much.

Now in three days when I am ranting and raving about all the messes and screaming going on around my house, you can feel free to direct me back to this blog post. :)